We put a great deal of trust in Santa Claus.


We encourage the man to break into our houses and leave a generous supply of gifts largely based upon his perception of naughty and nice.


It may be the greatest irony about this shady individual: he is an arbiter of respectable behavior.


But nobody really checks whether Claus has left presents simply as a ruse specifically designed to leave trivial objects and grab a sizable chunk of your personal property. Leave a god-awful tie behind and the guy is granted full access to your property.


What if Santa Claus comes through the garage on his way to drop off discount bin gifts under your Christmas tree and then helps himself to your top dollar wrenches and sockets on the way out? Nobody would ever suspect the jolly fat guy in the red suit.




Maybe he took a long inventory of your entire collection of expensive tools and vintage iron. The guy only really works one night a year and the rest of the year is his to enjoy as he sees fit, and that may include grand larceny. We just don’t really know much about the guy.


We do know that the guy can break into and exit any house on the planet on Christmas Eve, so he is no stranger to smash and dash-even if he has to shimmy down a narrow chimney to enter a house. And he is not exactly anorexic by any means.


Another point to ponder: Claus has never demonstrated any visible means of income for his entire night of over-the-top generosity at Christmas. The bill for even cheap gifts must be staggering because of the sheer volume of gifts.


We at MSCC want to advance a controversial theory about this man Claus. We believe that he runs the world’s largest chop shop and stolen car business on the planet. He scopes out his victims’ homes and property under the guise of Christmas tradition, then returns in the New Year to clean out his victims.




He employs his elves year round, and most of the time they are up to their tiny elbows in vintage car grease, not sawdust from wooden toys. Some of the proceeds from crime will be put toward his Christmas gift program for one simple reason: it gets Claus access to homes, garages and vintage cars.


The rest of the proceeds from his shady business are less clear, but rest assured that his North Pole fortress does not have easy access for the curious, especially the overly curious. The fact is that Claus may be the biggest crime lord in crime history, but nobody will ever pin anything on the guy.


We even leave cookies and milk for him in the living room at the crime scenes, but what he really wants are the keys to the vintage rides in the garage. That is what makes Claus’s Christmas very merry.


Be very afraid of this guy- he is good at what he does and nothing (and nobody) will stand in his way and live to tell about it.


Jim Sutherland

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