Years ago, I watched a guy in a new Chevy diesel pickup do a brake stand burnout on a city street.
Excessive use of brakes allowed this genius to keep his truck in one place while he melted its rear tires, while he put massive ruts in the pavement.
It was one of the most idiotic look-at-me moments in the history of attention-seeking narcissism and I was not impressed with his performance art.
Jim Sutherland
These days the genius behind the wheel of the big diesel truck might have his own YouTube channel or weekly show on an automotive network to celebrate the fine art of the burnout but back then all he had was a giant tire bill at his local garage. The bad news is he had already factored in the tire cost as part of his burnout budget and felt his 5 minutes of tire-frying fame was worth the effort and hefty price tag. I seriously doubt whether the moron factored the street ruts into his bill.
Sadly, the street clown in a then-new truck paled by comparison to the TV shows and YouTube programs that spend too much of their time melting rear tires in vintage rides while completely missing the point of the old car hobby.
An old vehicle that somehow survived the ravages of time should not be resurrected just long enough to deliver a brake stand burnout a few seconds before it blows up. This is the kind of idiocy that makes me want to watch any episode in which the front brakes fail and the morons in the old car careen into a nearby tree or munitions dump.
The following is a list of five things that could happen when some clown decides to do a burnout in an old car.
The first thing that takes place is a violent confrontation between the front brakes and the rest of the car because most burnouts in average cars require enough front stopping power to get the rear tires spinning and do a smoke show. Very powerful vintage rides that could light up their rear tires from the get-go without a brake stand existed–but were not common, so the primary brakes (front) played a major role in most burnouts. The net result has always been an incredible strain on the brake system during a typical burnout.
The second issue is also a major stress test because an average differential will take a serious pounding during a burnout, particularly a brake stand burnout. A vintage ride’s rear end is a complex mesh of gears that are designed to work in harmony under normal loads and may grenade under severe loads such as a brake stand.
A third misadventure may occur along the driveshaft when it is subjected to a brake stand burnout: the U-joints may blow up or the driveshaft itself may do a wild version of the Twist if the U-joints hold during a burnout overload.
The fourth addition to our burnout casualty list is a major powertrain failure, specifically a nasty explosion of mechanical parts in the engine or transmission when either (or both) of them get nuked during the burnout stress test. Here’s hoping the burnout is worth the financial hit for beating the living hell out of an old car.
The fifth and final problem that may arise during a burnout is not even a mechanical issue, it’s a legal one. Burnouts may cause court appearances if you attract the attention of local law enforcement agencies when a traffic cop watches your performance and gives you his interpretation of your performance. It might even be a 10 in demerit points if there is a minimal amount of control during the burnout.
There is clearly an audience for burnouts in vintage vehicles, otherwise it would simply be a cruel crime against old iron. I am just not a member of that audience.
Jim Sutherland
BY: Jim Sutherland
Jim Sutherland is a veteran automotive writer whose work has been published by many major print and online publications. The list includes Calgary Herald, The Truth About Cars, Red Deer Advocate, RPM Magazine, Edmonton Journal, Montreal Gazette, Windsor Star, Vancouver Province, and Post Media Wheels Section.
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